Like Dr. Brené Brown, I have a particular interest in shame. Perhaps because I know the terrain both personally and professionally, and perhaps because it’s one of those things we’re not supposed to talk about. I want to shine a light into any dark place to see what’s really lurking there. Having worked with many clients these last two decades, I’m struck by how many have had shame as a theme. Like a thread running through fabric, shame permeates lives – those that come to be explored in my office, and those that choose to stay away, keeping the corners shady and unperturbed.
Perhaps you’re amongst the millions of people who have seen Dr. Brené Brown’s TED talks? Certainly enlightening, even entertaining, I highly recommend them for insights into how vulnerability and imperfection can lead to healing. And in this article I’m going to talk about something a bit different.
If guilt is something we feel briefly for having done something wrong, shame is something more enduring and is related to how we feel about ourselves. It’s a being experience rather than a doing experience. For some people it’s pervasive, living in the body just as viscerally as blood, bone and muscle. I think of these people as shame-based. And for those enduring this anguish, I believe we have to start somewhere before vulnerability and imperfection, I believe we have to start by befriending shame. Let me explain why.
I recently worked with someone whose life was undermined by shame. Spoken to harshly as a child, they had internalised these critical (albeit well-meaning) voices, and now lashed themselves at every opportunity. There was a constant stream of self-talk along these lines: “got that wrong, messed up again, you’re useless, you’ll never succeed, how stupid, you’re ridiculous, utterly hopeless, you’ll never get it right, etc., etc.” Every single message exacerbated the sense of “I am bad. There’s something wrong with me.” So we had to start there, with the punitive self-talk, before we could even approach the shame underneath. And this endeavour, I will be honest, isn’t easy in the beginning. Shifting the negative to positive is best tackled in stages, and over time.
Here’s how I begin the process of healing. I help my client assess the higher purpose of the critical message. For example, “you’ll never succeed.” The original care-giver most likely wanted success for their offspring and was perhaps ill-equipped to motivate, likely parented themselves in the same way. Having been criticised, they attempt to influence the only way they know how. That external voice then becomes internalised so we hear our own voice saying the same thing, with the same intent. The intention is to motivate toward success. It’s possible then to have at least some small appreciation for this part of us, wanting satisfaction and wellbeing, just not knowing the best way to get us there. So, we say “thank you.” “Thank you for trying the best way you know how to motivate me towards success.”
The first stage is being able to acknowledge that internal voice. In doing so, what usually happens is that part of us begins to loosen its grip just a tiny bit, backing off gradually. Having acknowledged, the second stage is to appreciate this part of us, so diligently searching out less-than-perfect behaviours like a heat-seeking missile. Saying something like this: “Thank you for trying the best way you know how to motivate me towards success. I know you want success for me. I do too. Thank you for trying so hard to get me there.”
And the third stage is to allow this part to really relax and back off even further. “Thank you for trying the best way you know how to motivate me towards success. I know you want success for me. I do too. Thank you for trying so hard to get me there. My adult self is going to take over now, you can relax. I’m in charge. I know what to do. Thank you.”
Working with myself and others, I’ve noticed over time this process really does work, opening up the way to tackling the underlying shame. We do this in much the same staged way. We begin with acknowledging its existence – gently, carefully, gradually, respectfully – because generally shame doesn’t like to be looked at head on. It’s like a young deer hiding behind a very large tree, occasionally peering out to check if it’s OK to be seen, if it’s really safe to be noticed. If we approach cautiously and tenderly, shame may be willing to come out and be seen in some small way. Once shame has been acknowledged, we proceed with appreciating its higher intent, thanking it, and gradually letting it off the hook for the adult, resourced part of ourselves to take over.
The Shape of Shame is now available in Volume 1 of The Embodiment Journal (here’s a link to download it to kindle: http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Embodiment-Journal-Somatics-Leadership-ebook…). Meanwhile, if anything resonates and you’d like to contact me, please contact me. I look forward to hearing from you.