I’ve been to three funerals in as many months. Every time I am struck by how little I knew about someone until hearing their eulogy – it’s less about the dramatic and more about the everyday things like being the most amazing grandparent, or enduring endless loss through life with fortitude and compassion. I reflect on two things: How does a whole life end up in a twenty-minute soliloquy? And how sad to wait until death to pay tribute to their well-lived life.
How then can we express those tributes to the living? How can we extend our appreciation while it matters?
It brings me to a practice I learned in my Strozzi somatic coach training, something called “speaking virtues.”
There are times in coaching when I feel like a cheer-leader. I’m with someone who gets little affirmation from a cold boss; another whose Herculean efforts raising a family single-handedly, alongside holding down a demanding job, go apparently unnoticed; or someone who simply didn’t get adequate love and care growing up and now really needs that specific healing to move on. Affirm, affirm, affirm. It comes so naturally to me. I observe what others overlook and offer generous comments about their tenacity, endurance, dignity, their courage, attention to detail, support of others, their generosity, humour, joyful demeanour and accomplishments.
But/and, for me, being on the receiving end is a different experience.
A long-time friend and colleague, Pete Hamill, recently introduced me to the new members of the Strozzi community in Europe. Not by running through my CV, but by appreciating my contribution and commitment, my loyalty and support. I was taken by surprise and felt uncomfortable (in a good way). Having one’s virtues spoken aloud in private is quite something; having them shared publicly, quite another. I felt uplifted for days!
So I’ve been sitting with “why am I surprised?” For I am the most senior Strozzi master somatic coach in the UK and Europe; my somatic coaching-therapy offer is sought after; I’ve published a book…. why is being acknowledged such a big deal? You may have already guessed that early shaping was around being neither-seen-nor-heard so it’s not much of a leap to acknowledge the giving of acknowledgement may come with ease and joy, the receiving, not so much.
I know I’m not the only one to squirm in the face of compliments. There are times when I’ve said something positive to a client and their response has been to ignore or bat away, so my intention is to find something that lands gently with some possibility of absorption. It’s not helpful to say “you’re astonishingly brilliant” (unless it’s to a narcissist, but that’s another story) instead finding something specific and relevant to them. Perhaps “I appreciate our work can be challenging at times, and I want to acknowledge your tenacious hanging-in-there, it supports me and us moving forward, thank you.”
I will endeavour to wrap this up with coherence for I seem to have taken a long and winding route through my own experience as both giver and receiver of speaking virtues. Let’s come full circle and I will leave you with a question: To whom do you want/need to speak their virtues? Don’t wait for their eulogy, do it now.
[My private practice has a waiting list at the moment, but you’re always welcome to reach out and enquire if anything has changed].